Losing
by Riverthunder
Summary: TW: Suicide. Tony Stark is dead, and Peter Parker is struggling to cope with the guilt of that, and the fact that Tony left Stephen behind when he died.


It was Peter's fault.

Six months ago, Tony Stark had committed suicide.

And it was Peter's fault.

His fault, for being reckless and careless and thoughtless and probably a lot of other "-lesses" on top of that.

It had been stupid, really- a stupid mission with stupid consequences. He'd gone off fighting some new villain (he hadn't bothered to learn their name- they were a run of the mill petty criminal) when he'd been ambushed. They had torn his suit away and burned it with the corpse of some kid a bit older than him they'd killed earlier for not paying them on time.

 _Mr. Stark is going to be furious,_ Peter had thought.

Peter wished he was still here to be furious.

The cold wind seemed to nip sharply at his skin. He ignored it. The cold was nice.

Reminded you you were alive.

Sure, the loss of the suit sucked. He'd wished he'd still had it. But he didn't need the suit to beat these idiots- just some time and his brain. They'd snuck up on him once; they weren't likely to do it again.

Two days later it had all come together, and Peter was free- but Tony was dead.

When the corpse had been found with the charred remains of the suit he'd made, Tony had shot himself in the head- leaving behind a note saying he was sorry he'd ever recruited Spider Man only to get him killed.

 _It's on me_ , the note said. _I deserve to go to hell for what I've done._

From what Peter had been able to gather, Tony's boyfriend at the time, Doctor Stephen Strange, had found him, covered in blood and holding a revolver in his hand with a suicide note on his desk.

Stephen had been inconsolable for weeks from what Peter had heard, but now he had apparently become quite cold- he had little patience and had lost any of his former "bedside manner". Stephen had become all business- and Wong had told Steve he thought Stephen would stay that way until he died. He'd been too attached to Tony Stark- his loss had damaged him forever.

Peter couldn't face Stephen after Tony's suicide- not knowing he'd stolen Tony from him- but he'd seen him once. Once, at the Compound, completely by mistake. He'd just gone to return something to Wanda.

Stephen had frozen, staring at him, and Peter had seen the pain in his face- Tony died because he thought he'd killed Peter, and Peter had really been alive. Stephen had moved to step forward, and ever so slightly reached out a hand- and Peter ran. Turned on his heel and sprinted away, unable to face Stephen after killing the man he loved.

Peter remembered the flash of thought in his mind when Stephen had gone to lift his hand- a brief snapshot of a memory- Tony Stark sitting at the kitchen's island with Stephen, holding one of his hands, fingers intertwined with his own, pressing soft kisses to each of Stephen's surgery scars in turn in between laughing and Stephen's half annoyed, half amused protests.

More nipping cold air. It really did have a bite to it- Peter briefly reflected that he could have brought a jacket.

He remembered another memory: a video Tony had sent him; of Stephen looking shocked as Tony threw himself into his arms, striking a dramatic pose as he held out a box with a small, simple gold engagement band, singing "I've decided to marry you!" as the song from _A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder_ played in the background.

"Are you serious?" Stephen had demanded, looking like he might drop Tony.

"Like a swallowed belladonna flower," Tony grinned, pleased with his reference to the musical still playing in the background.

Peter remembered the accompanying text.

 _He said yes._

Peter stopped, looking down. He felt a thrill of fear. His heart had been racing up until this point, but now it was going full tilt.

It knew.

Peter felt around in his pocket. Yes, the note was there.

Good.

Peter paused, taking a few long breaths. Trying to calm himself. To work up the nerve.

 _What would Tony Stark say if he could see you now?_

Peter shook his head at the thought.

 _He can't._

Peter stepped forward, and fell off Stark Tower to the pavement below.

His last thought was to wonder if his heart had managed to beat a lifetime's worth of beats before it stopped.

~(*)~

 _Dear Stephen,_

 _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know this is going to hurt you. But I can't keep going, not knowing what I did. I'm so sorry I recruited Spider Man. He was a kid. I should have known better. I shouldn't have put him in harm's way. But I did, and now he's dead. It's my fault he's dead. It's on me. It's all on me. I deserve to go to hell for what I've done._

 _I love you, Stephen. I really wish I'd gotten to marry you. I know you'll probably never forgive me for this, and I accept that. But please keep protecting people. People need you._

 _I love you. I'm sorry._

 _~Tony Stark_

~(*)~

 _Dear Aunt May,_

 _I'm sorry I never told you about any of this. I'm sorry that this is how you find out. And I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to own up to my mistakes._

 _I killed someone. I killed Tony Stark. Because I'm Spider Man, and while I was supposed to be on a college tour I got kidnapped. I got out fine, but everyone thought they killed me._

 _So Tony Stark killed himself because I screwed up._

 _Spider Man never came back. It was because when I realized I killed my mentor I couldn't face my powers again. But I told Mr. Stark once that when people can do what I can and they don't, and bad things happen- they happen because of me. I'm not helping anyone and I can't help anyone. I killed someone I cared about. I caused someone's heart to break forever. I'm not a hero._

 _May, I'm sorry I never told you, and I'm sorry I'm leaving you alone. You deserve so much better than me._

 _Call the Avengers. I'm sure they'll be there for you._

 _I love you. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me._

 _-Peter_

~(*)~

Peter opened his eyes, surprised to find a very stern brown set staring back at him.

He sat up so fast he thought he should have headrush. "Mr. Stark!"

"What the hell were you thinking?" Tony demanded.

His voice was icy.

Peter shrank back. He was pissed. "I…."

"I die so you throw yourself off a fucking building? Are you kidding me?"

Peter looked down. "I'm sorry."

"You should be."

"Shouldn't you be sorry?" Peter shot at him. "Doctor Strange has been a mess ever since you died!"

"Who said I wasn't?" Tony's voice was cold. "You think it's been fun being dead? Seeing that I pulled a fucking Romeo? Watching Stephen go from sad to miserable?"

"I…."

Tony looked suddenly broken. "I knew it was going to hurt him," he murmured. "When I was pulling the trigger all I could think was that I was breaking his heart. But I never imagined what he's become." He paused. "Everyone is going to take this worse, you know."

"What?" Peter asked, confused. "Why?"

"Stephen," Tony murmured. He told them all- the Avengers, I mean- they should make sure they'd be there for you if you called one of them to talk. They thought for sure you'd want to talk eventually. After you'd grieved enough on your own. But you didn't."

"I took you away from him," Peter mumbled, feeling guilt rising in his chest.

"Yeah," Tony said. "Come see this."

Peter got off what he now realized was a bed and followed Tony to a mirror.

He peered into the glass, and saw an image of Stephen, writing a text message to Clint: _He'll probably need some time and space, but when he's ready, if he comes to you, I only ask that you promise to listen to him. He was like a son to Tony and he's like a son to me._

Peter's insides writhed with guilt.

"...I...I didn't know," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

The image faded away, rippling like disturbed water as a new image took its place.

"No," Tony whispered, reaching out to touch the glass and looking anguished.

Stephen Strange sat against a wall, arms on his knees and head in his arms, sobbing with grief as the Cloak of Levitation hovered beside him, apparently concerned.

Stephen's heartbroken wails cut into Peter's soul like daggers, and he sank to the ground as Tony stroked Stephen's shaking image through the glass.

All either of them could concentrate on was the devastated cries of the man who had lost his soulmate and son.


End file.
